Gym Life
I've recently started trying to make it to my building's small gym a couple of times a week to do a little weight training. I do this every couple of years before life interferes and throws me off my routine, and every time I start I'm given little reminders of why "Gym Culture" makes it hard for me to stick with it.
1) Screamish McGruntley - this guy (usually a guy) can't lift a towel off the floor without emitting a deafening roar to show the world what a hardcore workout he's got going. Dude, STFU already - it makes me lose count of my reps!
2) Gabby McGabberson - The (usually female) counterpart to Mr. McGruntley. Usually part of a group, often found monopolizing the stairmasters or the cross-country ski machine thingy. Blablablablablablablabla, and THEN I said: Blablablablablablabla, and then SHE said: Blablablablabla. Again, STFU! Nobody wants to hear you and your group of harpies shrieking!
3) Towel-snapper - this is the guy who liked to snap people in the ass with rolled-up towels back in high school. He's moved beyond that now, but not far. As an adult, he alternates between sexually harassing his female coworkers who are just trying to exercise in peace, blabbering about the various "manly" things he does in his off time (Motorsports and killing things often being high on the list of topics), jabbering at other towel-snappers about the latest pointless sports news, and barking "friendly" insults at random acquaintances (usually casting aspersions on one's sexuality). These guys make me think fond thoughts about Piano Wire.
4) Oprah Junky - I don't like TVs in gyms (or bars) in the first place, but as long as we have to have it, and if it really must be turned on, who elected her (again: usually female) queen of programming? There could be 10 people huddled around the TV watching breaking news on CNN, andthis bitch would walk right up and switch the channel to some cheeseball talk show. And it's always a talk show. Always. WTF?!?
5) Mr. Nekkid! - Being in a locker room entails exposure to nudity. Fair enough, I'm no prude. I do, however, maintain a certain level of basic human modesty. What is with those guys who walk all over the Locker Room in the buff? Really - would it kill them to wrap a towel around their waist? Here's my theory: they either want people to look at their wang, or they want to show the world how "unconcerned" they are about people looking at their wang. Either way, they're overcompensating. Get a towel, guys. And try not to roar when you pick it up (Mr Nekkid! and Screamish Mcgruntley are often one and the same; Towel Snapper makes it a common trifecta).
6) Fungo McNast - I'm not sure what's wrong with this guy's feet, but does he have to apply foot powder RIGHT OUTSIDE THE SHOWER STALL? WTF - like I really want to have to walk through this asshole's leftover Tinactin? Dude, lay down a towel or something!
7) Lard-Ass Dilettante - this guy is a waste of space and of everybody's time! He doesn't know what he's doing, he's constantly underfoot, he's always keeping people from using the weight machines, his technique is for shit, and he keeps giving me wierd looks - oops, wait! That's a mirror, isn't it? *Ahem!* Ummm... moving right along...
1) Screamish McGruntley - this guy (usually a guy) can't lift a towel off the floor without emitting a deafening roar to show the world what a hardcore workout he's got going. Dude, STFU already - it makes me lose count of my reps!
2) Gabby McGabberson - The (usually female) counterpart to Mr. McGruntley. Usually part of a group, often found monopolizing the stairmasters or the cross-country ski machine thingy. Blablablablablablablabla, and THEN I said: Blablablablablablabla, and then SHE said: Blablablablabla. Again, STFU! Nobody wants to hear you and your group of harpies shrieking!
3) Towel-snapper - this is the guy who liked to snap people in the ass with rolled-up towels back in high school. He's moved beyond that now, but not far. As an adult, he alternates between sexually harassing his female coworkers who are just trying to exercise in peace, blabbering about the various "manly" things he does in his off time (Motorsports and killing things often being high on the list of topics), jabbering at other towel-snappers about the latest pointless sports news, and barking "friendly" insults at random acquaintances (usually casting aspersions on one's sexuality). These guys make me think fond thoughts about Piano Wire.
4) Oprah Junky - I don't like TVs in gyms (or bars) in the first place, but as long as we have to have it, and if it really must be turned on, who elected her (again: usually female) queen of programming? There could be 10 people huddled around the TV watching breaking news on CNN, andthis bitch would walk right up and switch the channel to some cheeseball talk show. And it's always a talk show. Always. WTF?!?
5) Mr. Nekkid! - Being in a locker room entails exposure to nudity. Fair enough, I'm no prude. I do, however, maintain a certain level of basic human modesty. What is with those guys who walk all over the Locker Room in the buff? Really - would it kill them to wrap a towel around their waist? Here's my theory: they either want people to look at their wang, or they want to show the world how "unconcerned" they are about people looking at their wang. Either way, they're overcompensating. Get a towel, guys. And try not to roar when you pick it up (Mr Nekkid! and Screamish Mcgruntley are often one and the same; Towel Snapper makes it a common trifecta).
6) Fungo McNast - I'm not sure what's wrong with this guy's feet, but does he have to apply foot powder RIGHT OUTSIDE THE SHOWER STALL? WTF - like I really want to have to walk through this asshole's leftover Tinactin? Dude, lay down a towel or something!
7) Lard-Ass Dilettante - this guy is a waste of space and of everybody's time! He doesn't know what he's doing, he's constantly underfoot, he's always keeping people from using the weight machines, his technique is for shit, and he keeps giving me wierd looks - oops, wait! That's a mirror, isn't it? *Ahem!* Ummm... moving right along...
posted by Drew at 8:32 PM
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